Do I get nervous about other people randomly in my apartment? Oh my word, I so freak out sometimes. Especially since I'm subletting the place, but one of the owners is just out of town for the summer, but she has the complete freedom to stop in whenever she wants. Which means she could walk in the door right when I'm stepping out of the shower, or sleeping, or whenever. Now that's a bit freaky. Yeah, Kris came one of the first weekends back, and I was so nervous, I made him check behind the shower curtain.
So I was waiting to hear back about housing from a fellow student for two weeks. Her dad helped her buy a condo, and she was looking for a roommate. The girl was picking between me and someone else, and last night I learned she picked the other person. I was so frustrated with all my struggles, and all my hopes being lost, I walked home to try and release my anger a bit and ended up going a bit crazy. On the way home I passed a robin sitting in a very shallow stream, just sitting there contentedly, cooling itself. Taking a bath, without all the usual bird splashing. It was hot here, too, yesterday. I've never envied a bird so much in my life. I stared at the bird sitting there for about 4 minutes and pondered my life and why I couldn't just take off all my clothes and jump in the stream as well. I seriously tried to think of a place where I could just sit in a river for awhile and no one would care or notice.
I cannot stress how much I envied that robin in that very moment.
Finally I nodded to him, and he hopped out and sat on a rock, continuing to stare back at me. I sighed, and walked away, watching him flap is wings as well out of the corner of my eye.
Why does it have to be this hard to find a good place to live? Why am I so picky? Why can't I just jump into a stream and be contented with life, contented to sit and live and enjoy the moment?
I feel like I have two forces pulling on me at the same time: to be animal, enjoying the moment, nature, feeling, and the forces of my body, and to be spiritual, living morally, looking beyond myself, building for the future, and reaching beyond my own desires. I felt both pulls as I watched that robin bathing, because although I knew that he was fulfilling a merely animal need, there was something more spiritual and calming about the way he did it. Something that touched me at that moment.
Maybe that's what is so hard about finding a place to live: I'm trying to satisfy both desires. My animal desire to have a nice place, to live easy, and my spiritual desire to live with a person I enjoy, and who helps satisfy my need for human companionship and conversation while living together.
It's back to the apartment search.
Oh, and after I got back to my current sublet, I proceeded to throw my shoes across the room and watch the BBC Pride and Prejudice. And spin. And then ply. I made cookies, but they defintely fell. I'll have to research on why. But I needed to fulfill my sweet tooth at that moment. Something you need to do when you have a bad day.